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| Father James chrismates our three youngest children September 2010 |
If you have not read the first part of this post, go
here.
At the end of part 1 of this account, my husband and I had discerned that the Byzantine Church was, in fact, the spiritual heritage in which we sought to raise our children to know and love the Lord.
But that did not stop my westernized brain from determining that, without
knowing more, there was no way either of us could adequately transmit this faith to our children.
Really, this was mostly
my issue. When we had first attended the Divine Liturgy as a family and had put together the connections that this was Alex and the children's paternal ritual church, he accepted with simple faith that this was the right path for our family.
As for me, I felt largely stoked that 1) the Byzantine Church viscerally stirred me with its physical beauty, 2) incense happened regularly! It was not a desperate hope while sitting on the edge of a pew, rarely realized, 3) the priest talked about hard stuff. Hard teachings. In fact, until recently, Father James was the only priest I had ever heard preach "We need more consecrated virgins for the Kingdom" to a crowd of Catholic schoolchildren, 4) feasts were not moved around as though they didn't really exist except on Sundays. Etc.
In other words, I was motivated in part because of dissatisfaction with the unfortunate austerities and "adjustments" of the Roman Catholic Church in America, rather than motivated by the Byzantine Catholic traditions and perspectives for their own sake. Yet I knew this was not a good enough reason. Being "stoked" is not sufficiently deep or even particularly holy. Reacting against something in dissatisfaction isn't, either. How could I teach my children the ins and outs of the Byzantine way if I did not possess the language, the definitions, the unique theological perspectives, the liturgical experience, the nitty-gritty knowledge of all things iconographic, etc?
You see, in retrospect, this conflict beautifully demonstrates a difference between the eastern and western
perspectives of the Church. In the tradition of St. Thomas Aquinas, the western church seeks to delineate, define, describe. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, or very surprising, as we are rational creatures. (And I have always rather liked that stuff, so it worked for me.) It has its place. I do not believe it prevents holiness, as attested to by the glorious lives of the saints in the western Church. St. Thomas Aquinas was actually intensely mystical and not just a rotund scholar in a chair.
On the other side, the eastern perspective is "apophatic," describing God in terms of what He is not. Rather than seeking to define God, one practices entering into His energies, seeking union with Him through divinization, or theosis. A fluidity exists which is uniquely eastern.
As I mentioned in my post describing the first Divine Liturgy I attended, it is hard to point to exactly when the consecration of the Eucharist happens in the Divine Liturgy. It just happens.
The Consecration had fewer boundaries around it. It was hard to know exactly when it happened. There was no elevation (at least, I don't think there was), ringing of bell, etc. I see this as a difference between the eastern and western cultures which is reflected in the two styles of liturgy. One has clear lines and is black and white, the other reflects the mystery. In the Roman Rite, there is a moment when the transubstantiation occurs. In the Byzantine Rite~~Christ arrives when He arrives.
We had begun attending the Divine Liturgy in large part because of Alex's simple "yes" to what he believed was God's Will for our family, and also the reality that this is what we are. And I nodded joyfully in submission to his "yes" because I try to do that as his wife, and also because I was so surprised and moved that we actually belonged to this intensely holy and beautiful Byzantine heritage.
But then my brain proceeded to question how this could possibly happen well. It craved the lines, the black and white. It sought to know. Without the book knowledge, I felt lost and incompetent, especially as a parent. Rather than question the validity of this feeling, I bought into it more and more.
My husband is not the most committed reader. I fail to appreciate often enough the way he reads only the most vital texts. While he does not curl up that frequently with a book, he does put the effort into Sacred Scripture and books such as St. John Climacus'
Ladder of Divine Ascent and whatever other readings that Father James points him to. He reads systematically every day, a little at a time, in the morning.
I, on the other hand, have at least 15 books going on at any given point and I make slow progress through all of them in erratic spurts. Eventually, they all get read. I get the gist of the texts in time, but it is not the same focused effort that my husband applies to the task. I get bored. He gets caught up. Essentially, he's far more of an ascetic than I could ever hope to be, very simple and straightforward in his approach.
But I cornered Alex into admitting that we were ignorant, and then used this excuse to back out as Father James questioned whether it was wise to continue involving ourselves so deeply in both Roman Catholic and Byzantine Catholic liturgy and theology.
In retrospect, I believe Father correctly questioned our commitment to transferring rites and questioned how we were going to
be eastern if we were not actually being it. We had remained heavily involved in three different parishes by that point. We attended daily Masses, Divine Liturgies, Masses in the Extraordinary Form. My brain appreciated that I
knew the names of the western saints, the theological terminology (all comfortably English), and all that other stuff that enabled me to retain control and authority over my knowledge.
Alex was ready to "settle down" and let the understanding grow with time. I did not have my fifteen books, however, and wondered how this could all work out. And as far as I was concerned, Father James was pressuring us to give up stuff and was attacking our path. (Such longsuffering patience our priests have!)
I decided I felt rushed, and pressured. I wasn't ready to give up being Roman Catholic. What I failed to appreciate at the time was that Father was asking me to have more faith in God and to trust that He would impart what we need.
Being eastern was more than reading the right books. So much more. To me, it called into question a whole aspect of my identity that I wanted to continue to cherish--the satisfaction and rubbing of my intellectual curiosity and my sense of worth stemming from "knowing it all."
I continued getting intellectual stimulation at the Dominican Forum with all the brainy Dominican friars on Monday nights after my nursing classes; Alex proceeded to sit down during the day, homeschooling the children with a workbook which explained the holy icons and catechizing both himself and them very impressively.
But I got my way, unfortunately, and my pride won out. We left the parish and recommitted to raising our children as Roman Catholics. I don't think Alex was completely on board but he was a devoted husband and did not want to discount my concerns.
So that was, apparently, that.
This is how I remember it. I'm sure both Father James and Alex have different perspectives.
Thankfully, the story has a better ending than this.
To be continued...Thanks for staying tuned!